Will I get better?

I’ve been home now for about a week and bit. It was great to get home. It was great to be in my own bed. But what now?

I’m meant to be getting better. I’m meant to start feeling better but I just feel worse. I have to keep putting on weight otherwise I just go straight back into hospital. Is that what the rest of my life is going to be? In and out of hospital? Always being told I’m going to get better but it never comes? I seriously that once I was home I would start to feel better. Be on the mend you know? But so far nothing has happened. Mum and I have started to fight again over food. She’s always pushing, I eat everything she tells me too but it’s never enough. There’s always more. I can’t do right. No matter how hard  try. What’s the point of eating if I’m just going to continuously loss weight and feel awful? I may as well pack my bags now for hospital.

I can see myself having this forever. I don’t think I’ll ever get back to “normal”. It’s meant to be school holidays and I can even enjoy having my friends/cousins over due to me feeling so sick. I just want everything over. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m ready to give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Maybe that way I wouldn’t have been so upset now.

It’s funny how when I looked up gastroparesis and saw all the “chronic illness” and “have it forever’s” I thought that it didn’t apply to me. I mean, why would I have this forever? Even when it says that everyone who has it hardly ever get better. People kept telling me that since it was caused by a virus and it was idiopathic I would recover. Well it’s been about half a year? Do I need to wait out the other half just to feel better? Why would the Doctor’s tell me I would get better even though I’m no where near.

I’m so sick of my family. They keep threatening me telling me I’ll go back into hospital if I’m not carful. Have the tube put back in. As if I didn’t know all that. I’m practically counting down the days already.

I wish there was an easy way to end everything.

~ Peachy

Tube’s out, scream and shout!

Hiya! Guess who doesn’t have a feeding tube in! 

It’s me. I no longer have a feeding tube in. It was taking out this morning and boy wasn’t that a ride. This feeding tube was a lot longer than all of the other tubes I’ve had during this run. I felt like the nurse was pulling it out for minutes and after it came out I shook like a leaf for the worser part of the day. I was excited about having the tube pulled but I’m not so sure now.

I just want to be normal. I want to stop feeling sick and stop missing out on things. The doctors keep saying that this might be my last admission for this. That I can home and be “normal”. Personally I don’t really see that happening. I’m praying that I get to go home and stay at home and get better from home but honestly I feel like I’m not going to be able to eat enough. Just plain and simple.

At least now I have a tiny bit of a buffer for if I lose weight. That was the whole point of the tube in the first place. This whole disorder thing has ruined me. I’m no longer the person I used to be. I get so anxious really easily and I get so mad at the drop of a hat. I don’t like the new Peachy. She kinda scares me ahaha. Oh well, what can you do?

I hoped I’m sent home soon. I just can’t wait to be back in own bed and my own things and not feel like everyone is out to get me so to speak. I know I’ll have no rest for the constant pushing and encourages to eat always being there. But at least it will be less people telling me.

God I’m horrible. I can’t stand the Dietitian here. I know she’s just doing her job. But she almost makes it sound like it’s my fault I can’t eat? Like who does that!? Maybe I’m looking into things too deep but I’ll be so glad to leave all of this behind me. 

Almost 4 weeks in hospital today… Dang Can’t a girl catch a break? Ahaha 

~ Peachy 

Update.

Hello! 

So, as of now I’m still in hospital. I was finally given a weight goal and I’m slowly getting there. Few more kilos to go then I can finally get this blasted tube out! Still feeling the same. My parent’s are very worried about how I’m going to go when I get this tube out. So am I…

I feel like a dog. I must follow all of my parents commands and eat. It’s scary, they complain about me fighting them over food but I can’t not do it? If they just left me I would do it. Makes me not want to do it when I’m forced too. I mean it’s hard enough to eat let alone have it forced down my throat. 

It’s so weird. Like why did this happen to me? I didn’t ask for this. Nobody would. And yet I still get people saying I’m the lucky one? For missing out on school and stuff. Yeah I sure am lucky! I love having tubes get put in me just to have them taken out only to them put back in. I’m defective as a human, my brain and stomach no longer function. Ahah. 

Oh well, what are you gonna do? No point in being depressed when I can be happy about how lucky I am… 

I try to keep myself occupied everyday. You know, just searching the internet. I so badly want to be back to ‘normal’. I see things and I just think to myself “What if I never get to do that because I never go back to normal?”.

I missed out on sister’s birthday because I was here in hospital. I’m going to miss out on my friend’s parties and Christmas, then my birthday and the deb next year… The list goes one on what I’ll probably miss out on. 

But there is a probably there. I haven’t lost all hope. I know there’s a chance I might feel better. Let’s hope that happens. 

~ Peachy 

Going up.

Guess what! I finally put on some weight. Thank Jesus. I don’t know how long exactly they want the tube in me because they said they just want to fatten me up so that I can have a buffer for when I get sent home and it isn’t critical or anything if I lose weight. So putting on weight is a plus! Of course it’s probably no where near what the doctor’s want me at. But that’s kinda what’s been ticking me off lately. None of the Doctor’s can give me a weight/day that the tube will come out. 

I feel like I’m in limbo. Gonna have this tube in for years. That’s what it feels like at least. Whenever I ask what weight they want me at, the Docs always reply with. “A good weight that we can use as a buffer”. What the hell does that mean? Do they mean like 60kg? 55kg? Like I have no clue. Thus, no clue in when I’m going home. 

My mother made them promise that I would have the tube out before the 29th of September but that still feels too long for me. I can’t do anything with this tube in because I feel so sick and because it blocks my airways. If anyone has had a tube in before hit me up. We’ll share stories. 

I think what’s most concerning for me is that there is just no definitive day that this tube is coming out. Even if I was told I was going to have it in for 3 weeks. But as soon as it hit that 3 week mark it would come out, I would feel a whole lot happier. I feel like I’m working towards nothing. I wish they did a Pej. But they refused to do one. Ahaha doctor’s are dumb. I literally hate them. I know they are just doing their job but still. Make it easier on the slowly wasting away person right? Nup. Bloody trigger her PTSD and tell her to eat with the tube. She’ll be right 😉 

Well that’s about as much as I can update now. Otherwise nothing else is going on. It’s only been a week since I’ve been in hospital but it feels like months. I should know I’ve spend months in hospital. The worst is when they try to make you do stuff. I mean I know looking at the same four walls everyday isn’t good for depression and junk. But I’m in hospital… I physically feel too sick to do things. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Don’t make me go to school because it will “give me something to focus on other then the tube” because all it does is make me feel worse.

Rant over. Ahaha

~ Peachy  

Takeing tubes down the nose.

I knew it was going to happen. As soon as I stepped into hospital on Friday I knew I was going to have to get another feeding tube. This will be my seventh feeding tube. I know it doesn’t sound like much but too me it’s endless.

Ever since I was little I hated choking or not being able to breath. They were my two biggest fears. So when I had my first tube put in it was a massive shock to me, both physically and mentally. 

My fith tube was a living nightmare. The psychiatrist actually said I have like PTSD due to this tube. It curled up in my throat. The doctors tried to fix it by pushing the tube further down but that only caused more distress for me. I couldn’t breath and I was screaming at the doctors to take the tube out. But they couldn’t understand me due to me gagging and vomiting at the same time. There was blood in my vomit. I’ve never been more traumatised in my life. 

So when I was told I’m getting another tube here I died inside. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. 

Wish me luck. I’m going to need it…

~ Peachy 

Will I ever get home?

Haven’t settled in too hospital. 

I was so rude and horrible to everyone yesterday but I don’t regret it. I feel like I’m never going to go home. I tried to get the Doctor to promise that I would be able to go home but obviously she was having none of it. The anti-anxiety medication I’m on just made my throat so dry and it made me sleepy. I can’t sleep I just feel tired all the time. Not to mention I can’t lay down due to the nausea being so bad.

Today has gone so slow. I woke up at 5am and I’m just waiting for the day to end. I wish they would give me something to just knock me so I could wake up when I’m better. Sadly they can’t do that, I’ve asked…

The worst thing is I can’t breath normally and I’m sweating so much. My feet are drenching the bed because I feel so sick. I sit in bed with a sick bag watching the constant kids movies that play over and over. It’s not enough to distract me though. The internet is also bad here. It’s not easy to get on and post things. 

I was better at home. Honestly I was. I knew I was going to go backwards in hospital but no one would listen to me. They are trying out a new machine that’s supposed to help people with Gastroparesis. So far it’s done nothing but given me cramps. The machine is very similar to a TENS machine and there are four sticky pads that stick onto my stomach and back. It send electro pulses to my digestive system to start pumping. I’m just saying this incase people with Gastroparesis wanted to know. Apparently it’s meant to help but I don’t know. I just can’t believe I was brought back into hospital. The doctor admitted she didn’t even want me to leave last time. I didn’t even have a week at home. I’m going to spend more time in hospital this year then my actual home. 

I’m so desperate to just be better and home. I need to go home…

Back in hell

I’m back in hell. I can’t deal with it my mind has left the building. I’ve been the biggest bitch to everyone but I do that cause I feel like people are more likely to listen to someone who shocked them compared to a laid back person. 

I hate it here so much I want to kill myself. I was doing better at home and I don’t know why I was brought back in the first place. This is so horrible for my mind. I need to leave now. The hospital has done nothing but made me worse.

I hate all the doctors. They laugh at me when I tell them I want to go home. I want to kill myself so bad. I wish I had brought by razor but my mother fucking took all my things. I’m trapped with no way out 

~ Peachy 

Cosplay! ❤

Okay Happy post! 

Back when I was in hospital. I can’t remember how long ago it was now. But I had asked my friends if they would be interested in doing a large group cosplay with me and they said yes! Some of the girls don’t even cosplay. 

I asked them if they would cosplay Sailor Moon with me as I’m a huge fan of Sailor Moon. So I got all my friends together and we each were given a sailor scout. I ended up being sailor moon. We wanted to do a punky style of the 90’s anime characters.

I got most of my outfit from Op shops because why not!? I’m so excited and I’m really confident it’s going to turn out okay. I feel that group cosplays always end up better then if you just do it on your own.

I don’t have any pictures of the cosplay yet sorry but I hope that when everything is better and my friends and I are ready we will take many, many photos that I’ll post here. Thanks!

~ Peachy  

Home life.

So I’ve been home for a couple of days now. It was hard to get used to but I’m finally able to move around the house without feeling like I’m about to have a panic attack. Then the food issues kicked in…

My parents have done nothing but, food, food, food!! They don’t get that I feel so sick. They bring on he tears and say they’re worried for me but I literally don’t care. I feel so sick all the time and my mother just keeps blending up shit and forcing me to drink it. I’m drinking and eating heaps! As much as I can. It’s just never enough.

We saw a doctor yesterday and when we told her that we weren’t being listened too, and that I wasn’t getting better. She laughed. She laughed in in our faces and told me that I was going to get better. Scoffed. As if it was all a big joke and she was tired of telling the punch line. Well I’m tired of hearing the punchline. 

Thanks to doctor’s like her I have to go back into hospital and feel sick. Have IV’s stuck in my arm and have nurses watching me around the clock, force feeding me every second. I’m so tired. I want to sleep… 

I hate all the doctor’s I’ve seen. I haven’t been helped by any one. Not even talking to phycologists nor gastroenterologists. 

I’m angry. I’m so angry I want to hurt. I’m so angry at the doctor’s, at my parents and at myself. It’s disgusting how angry I am. But I’m fed up. I refuse to eat anymore. I refuse to go back into hospital. 

But I can’t feel horrible. It’s selfish. 

My sister’s birthday is coming up and I can’t ruin it for her. I can’t be me otherwise it’s ruined for her. 

I’m trash. I’m broken. I need to be fixed but like a toy I should be thrown out. Buy a newer better model. A model who can eat and who doesn’t feel like they are going to vomit every second. I’m just going to waste away. See ya. 

~ Peachy 

Figure Review ~ Isuzu Sento

So I recently received my first anime figurine. I ordered the figurine using the AmiAmi website here. 

The website was really easy to navigate and had a lot of different (official) merchandise. I will definitely be shopping here again. Now onto the figurine. I purchased the Amagi Brilliant Park – Isuzu Sento 1/8 Complete Figure for 4,940 Yen with 2,220 Yen shipping. So yes everything was in Yen but you can pay using pay pal so it’s really easy. 

The packaging of the figure was really secure. And Sento came in this really cute box. It has her picture on the side and a cut out of Moffle on the side as well. 

Now the figure is stunning. Sento sits upon a cloud balancing her gun behind her. It’s a PVC figure with 1/8 scale. The sculpture was Ryou Hashimoto.

She’s in her regular outfit that she wears during the anime and her hair is tied up the same way as well. She has a smile on her face which is a rarity in the anime but thats okay. Moffle sits on a cloud as well with a small balloon. He’s been especially made to sit in front of Sento’s “privates”. As it is a Japanese figure and they like to show a bit of everything ahah.  

My favourite part of the whole figure would have to be Sento’s hair. It flows behind her and it really looks amazing. It’s thin so it looks like it might snap easy but it’s actually got a bit of give to it. I feel like if you happened to drop this figure it would be okay. But don’t take my word for it. 

   Sorry for the quality of the photos ahah. I’ll try and get some nicer shots next time. 

All and all I love this figure dearly. It’s just so cute. 

~ Peachy