I’ve been home now for about a week and bit. It was great to get home. It was great to be in my own bed. But what now?
I’m meant to be getting better. I’m meant to start feeling better but I just feel worse. I have to keep putting on weight otherwise I just go straight back into hospital. Is that what the rest of my life is going to be? In and out of hospital? Always being told I’m going to get better but it never comes? I seriously that once I was home I would start to feel better. Be on the mend you know? But so far nothing has happened. Mum and I have started to fight again over food. She’s always pushing, I eat everything she tells me too but it’s never enough. There’s always more. I can’t do right. No matter how hard try. What’s the point of eating if I’m just going to continuously loss weight and feel awful? I may as well pack my bags now for hospital.
I can see myself having this forever. I don’t think I’ll ever get back to “normal”. It’s meant to be school holidays and I can even enjoy having my friends/cousins over due to me feeling so sick. I just want everything over. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m ready to give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Maybe that way I wouldn’t have been so upset now.
It’s funny how when I looked up gastroparesis and saw all the “chronic illness” and “have it forever’s” I thought that it didn’t apply to me. I mean, why would I have this forever? Even when it says that everyone who has it hardly ever get better. People kept telling me that since it was caused by a virus and it was idiopathic I would recover. Well it’s been about half a year? Do I need to wait out the other half just to feel better? Why would the Doctor’s tell me I would get better even though I’m no where near.
I’m so sick of my family. They keep threatening me telling me I’ll go back into hospital if I’m not carful. Have the tube put back in. As if I didn’t know all that. I’m practically counting down the days already.
I wish there was an easy way to end everything.
~ Peachy
Peachy Peonys 