Guess Who’s mentally insane?

Shit. Thats just how everything is. Nothing in my life in enjoyable or worthwhile anymore. I don’t even want to be here. The nurses have been trying to shove food down my face all morning. My little friend Sharhlea is leaving and I found out I friend I met in the hospital. Her brother died. They couldn’t save him. 

I’m so pissed I can’t even start to write out how angry I am. I don’t want to be pushed around by anymore. The nurses are crule and horrible. I feel like I’m in a farm. De humanising us. Hospital is darker then Satan’s arse hole. 

The Doctors came around today and pretty much told me. You have an eating disorder and your gonna hang out with the eating disorder kids or I’m being sent to the mental ward. The Mental ward, so they can apparently stop all of this. Because apparently it’s all in my head.

Imagine feeling so sick, so awful you can even function. Imagine wanting to throw up every time the slightest bit of food and drink enters you. Imagine trying ever anti nausea medication made. And still you’re exactly the same at the start. Then to be told it’s all in your head…

I want to rip off my goddam head. I want to leave the earth forever. This rant is so un me. But being sick is eroding my soul. I feel like there’s hardly anything left there. If I’m going to live with this for the rest of my life, at least let me be home. My parents wont except that I’m going to have this forever. They refuse to except it. Why wont they just let me be happy. Why aren’t I allow to be happy? 

I don’t even know what else to write about, everything is just going straight down the john. The anti-depressant makes me feel so sick. I can’t get enough food nor liquid in. My Mother and I aren’t doing so well either. The only person I was friendly with has left. The Nurses are talking behind my back. I’m getting sent to the Mental Ward. 

My life is literally killing me on the inside. I Just want to lie back and never wake up. I know I would be missed but I need to be selfish sometimes.

Don’t tell me it’s going to get better because If I have to hear that one more time I’m going to rip out chucks of my hair. (Not that I haven’t all ready done that). I’m sick of optimistic people. I used to be one myself but I’ve had enough. 

I’ll never be cute. 

I’ll never be able to travel.

I’m never going to have a relationship. 

I’ll never have back the relationship with my parents. 

I’m never going to get home.

I’m never getting better.

I’ll never be normal. 

I’m so sorry to the people that I know in real life that have to read this. I’m sorry to other people that read this. I just had to get it out. I really wish I had cuter things to write about…. 

~ Peachy